September 17, 2014

Why do Good Girls like Bad Boys?

Hey there Double D's (erm, DD happens to be the initials for Dakara Darlns - *hides face*)

If you've been following the news, you might have seen the video posted by TMZ of American Footballer, Ray Rice, punching his then-fiancee (now wife) in the head, rendering her unconscious. I'm not posting the video here, because I just don't want to - just Google it if you wanna see.

Anyways, I was driving home and thinking about it - after this chick got knocked out by her fiancee, she still went ahead and married him a month later. And I had to ask myself why on earth any sensible woman would do it. Which led to a broader thought - a lot of females stay with their boyfriends or husbands who exhibit very bad behavior. It goes from violence to cheating to verbal abuse and so on... WHY STAY?

Source


I've never dated anyone that hit me (shebi he wants to die that day?) but I've been in relationships and pseudo-relationships, where when I'm really honest with myself, they were clearly bad bad boys. Was it the one who had a womanizing reputation (turns out it wasn't JUST a reputation), or the one who talked down to females seizing on their vulnerability, or the one who used Christianity to lead females on?

Being in one or some of aforementioned situations, I think I have a little insight into why a typical good girl likes and stays with a bad boy = SHE THINKS SHE CAN SAVE HIM. She thinks that if she just stays a little bit longer, loves him a little bit harder, enduring the pain that will surely and only make her stronger, then he will start to turn around. He will start to make a change for the better. He will finally see the light that she's shining and he'll settle down and marry her. And then she can say to her female counterparts, the naysayers, his exes and/or side chicks, a big fat

I TOLD YOU SO!

Unfortunately, more times than not, she's the one who ultimately ends up receiving that statement.

What do you guys think?

P.S. - DISCLAIMER - I'm not saying I was a very good girl o! Before somebody from my past will come and cast me. Yes, I did bad things too. Bye.

More P.S. - If you are in a relationship where you're being abused in any way, shape or form (verbal, physical, emotional, etc), please please please, for your sake, LEAVE! You cannot change him, only God AND he can change himself (God alone will not change him - God gave us free will, so if he chooses not to change, God most likely isn't going to do anything about it).

19 comments:

  1. I like the rationale that you posed - it's usually that feeling of wanting to be responsible for someone's change/improvement, yet the truth is that we cannot do so!
    I have been there too, and I couldn't wait to say to the 'naysayers' - "I told you so!". Alas, I never told them anything lol.
    Only by God's grace and renewal from within can a human being change... And many times, it's a process!

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    1. Thanks. Oh boy, was I there!!! All the advice, all the stories, everything I turned a deaf ear to because obviously with me, it would be different... YEAH RIGHT!

      My dear, even a good person trying to get over a bad habit can only do it through a process and with God's grace.

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  2. A lot of times as well as wanting to be responsible for taming or changing a guy, many women have esteem issues that lead them to believe that they can't do better. I am convinced many women today will tolerate anything if they land a ball player...very sad but true.

    www.anemistyle.com

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    1. You're right about the esteem issues. Unfortunately, it becomes a vicious cycle, where your self esteem is constantly being eroded, and you go for even worse guys, who then erode your self esteem even more.

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  3. Awwh! Berry this is a great post and I can totally relate to it. And I think U re right, that is the thinking most girls have, cos I had it too(covers face) endured a bad relationship cause I thought I could change the guy but mehn! I hav come to the same conclusion as you, no one can change anyone except God or the person decides to change... My fisrt time of commenting eventhough I have been a follower of ur blog for months. Well done and cheers

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    1. Thanks for following and commenting today!!! *rings bell for you*

      We should be thankful we recognized the necessity to leave bad relationships - a lot of women never see recognize it.

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  4. I have never been in any abusive relationship n to those dt re in one please leave @ Miss Berry saw u once in church n u really pretty n one hot dancer *smiles*

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    1. Awww, thank you very much. It has to have been a thanksgiving service if I was dancing :p

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  5. It happened to me, I did not see any signs and i ran away sharply!
    I always advice people to run from abusive relationships to avoid stories that touch the heart.

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    1. Yes ma'am! Nobody wants to end up as the object of a sad Lifetime movie

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  6. Why stay? A valid question indeed that throws up a variety of responses. Some women stay because they think they cannot do better, others stay for the kids or for financial security or because they do not want to be labelled as failures by society.
    Just a thought...much as we advocate for women to leave abusive relationships i wonder if the Nigerian culture is ready to embrace and support women who are ready to do so. You know that in Naija the mind-set remains “marriage is a university from which one never graduates.....”

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    1. You're right about the general Nigerian culture. Just in the past 2 years, a former school mate said that if his younger sister's husband beat her and she came running to him, he would send her right back to her husband's house to work things out.

      SAY WHAT?!?!?!

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  7. you are right in your post. The nurturing thingy that women have and the fact we like to lie to ourselves most times makes us stay. As one who had been in such a relationship that it even seems the guy 'jazzed' you, it is important to do a self evaluation as to if we can live with this all our lives especially if such relationship ends in marriage. A bad guy would always be one except the Lord changes him. May God help us.

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  8. Berry, I was getting ready to ask you what double Ds meant because I was sure it was not what I had in mind. ;)
    I agree with you about the "savior complex" some people in abusive relationships have. The one that kills me is that this mentality is actually encouraged in Nigeria: "just pray and love him hard enough and he will change."
    It is promoted almost everywhere: churches, movies, etc. The only thing we can do is to keep telling women everywhere that it is okay to leave.

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  9. I think though there's a difference between a 'bad boy' and 'an abusive man' A bad boy doesn't necessarily have to be abusive and abusive men don't have to be 'bad' in their initial demeanor and character (hope that makes sense) Robin Thicke for instance i believe is a 'bad boy' while Ray Rice is an abusive p***k. They both will lead you to some sort of heart break though for sure. I concur with one of the ladies above - a lot of times it's esteem issues. For many reasons, a lot of women in these situations have grown up believing that they're not worth much so when anyone shows them some sort of attention, they pounce on it, feed on it and will not let it go for fear that they will not get any better because somehow they believe they don't deserve any better. Sometimes it's a 'bad girl' and bad boy' situation - she evolves and he doesn't and she keeps thinking maybe just maybe he'll also see the light she saw. Whatever the case, unless they first deal with their own issues, they will keep repeating the cycle in some way even if they leave the man - they replace him with another abusive man or with another destructive habit.

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  10. My mum always says the day a man threatens to beat you or slap you sef then run as if a mad man is chasing you. A man that abuses you verbally will most likely abuse you physically. I have a friend that got married to this abusive guy because she wanted to travel out of the country. I was supposed to be her chief brides maid but I told her if its this guy you're getting married to, I will not attend your wedding. She knows I mean well and she understood.... we are still friends o but I don't support things that are against my belief and all my friends know that.

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  11. I agree with you jare. Your analysis is right. As for me, I think I am a good girl, but I don't like bad boys, lol.

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  12. Girrrlll!!! Sometimes it's not just the stereotypical BAD boys. It can be the "bad for you" boys too.

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Reading your comments ALWAYS makes me smile. I hope you smile when I reply :)