March 14, 2013

Getting involved in your friend's relationship

Good morning this morning (as they say in NYSC).

I happened upon one of those 100 Questions Quizzes on my friend's blog, Taynement. I wanted to do something similar, and logged into one of my emails (I have 7 email addresses I use regularly) searching for an old quiz I'd done. I thought it'd be fun to compare my responses from 10-ish years ago, to what they'd be now. In my SENT folder, I perused the pages looking for the quiz email. I didn't find it, so I'll check another email account at a later date. However, I saw an email I sent to my very good friend's boyfriend back in the day. He's her ex now (Thank the Lord!) and I really felt that he was all wrong for her.

I basically told him that he needed to break up with her. I don't know if he ever showed her the email. I do know that he broke up with her, shortly after and she called me crying her life away. Here's an excerpt of the email below:

"You're probably wondering why I'm sending you this e-mail. It's cos of Adrianna*. As you know, I'm one of her best friends and as such, I have her best interests at heart. From the beginning of you guys' relationship, I've been there to support her whenever she was feeling down because of one thing or another. Now, I don't mean to insult or offend you in anyway, but I'm going to be direct and blunt with you. I really don't see why she is still trying to be with you. Especially not after the heartaches and headaches that she has gone through in these few months. If it were me, I would have given up on the relationship and you from the first slip-up. See, I don't take any nonsense from anybody. And I expect to be treated with the utmost respect in my relationships. If I won't do something to you (lie, cheat, steal) don't do it to me. UNFORTUNATELY, Adrianna is a little TOO kind, and TOO loving, so she's always looking to forgive you. And I'm not sure if it's that you actually, genuinely care for her that prompts you to tell her not to leave you and that you're sorry and will change, or if you're walking all over her because of her naivete (yes, I think she's naive).

I mean, forget all the crying she has done. Forget the lies, forget the other women. Just use your common sense and ask yourself if this relationship will actually work out in the long run. I don't think so. From what Adrianna has said, you want to go back to England after school to work. I know that it's not her desire to do that, to move to another country for the rest of her life. So why bother with the relationship now? You know how much she has cried and cried because of you. It's not fair what you're doing to her! If you love somebody, they shouldn't cry on account of you, but she has done so, over and over again. In a way though, I don't really blame you, because she herself is just sitting down there and taking it from you "Oh I love him and I want it work out." I am frustrated with the two of you. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to my friend anymore; because she's complaining about you on one hand, and on the other saying she'll forgive you yet again for another screw up. Our other friends don't even want to speak to her anymore, because they're tired of giving advice that she'll agree with initially, and then turning around and going back to you. It makes us feel stupid. Even now,she says you guys are on a break (which I support, if you want to know) but then also says at the same time "Oh, we're practically engaged. He's buying my ring this month."

In fact, let's talk about this "engagement." What is with your rush to get married? You only just started with your master's program. You're still in school. You don't have a job. You don't have a house. What, pray tell, are you going to support her on? You want to take her back to Birmingham to live in your parents' house? I'm not being snide or sarcastic here, I'm just being real cos it doesn't look like either of you are. I think Adrianna's a little too desperate in the love department, and I don't know whatt you're after. Please, tell me what you want. Is it that you're actually serious about claiming to love her or is it something else? I want you to be completely honest with yourself and tell me realistically whether you guys are a good couple. Whether she is happy with you. Whether you like the kind of woman she is, and why exactly you like the way she is. Like I said before, I haven't meant to offend or insult you in anyway, so don't take anything too personal. It's just me being direct, and real with you. "

*names have been changed*

My my my! I was a "Voltronic" pistol back then, wasn't I? I don't know that I would do the same thing now... getting directly involved in a friend's relationship. It could totally have backfired on me. He could have shown her the email and made me look bad. Or she could have taken offense to my not-so-kind tough-love description of her character. If it was 2013, I would probably just try to talk to my friend and encourage her to do what's best for her life. I'd make my reservations known to HER and let it go after the first time.

What would you do if your friend was in a terrible relationship, and he/she didn't seem to want to let go?


  1. that was pretty bold. I doubt i'da had teh balls to send it to him. getting into people's re;lationship is tricky thing.

    1. Yeah. I don't think I would do the same thing now.

  2. Whoa!u were a firebrand missy.weren't u?

  3. I honestly wish that I had a friend who could do this to me. Shamefully I was the guy hopelessly in love with a serial cheat and just kept deceiving myself that something will wipe away all the pains.


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