August 12, 2013

On Sex After the Wedding

Hey y'all!

I missed youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Come gimme a big bear hug, because those are the BEST! Erm, don't crush the boobage please. *ahem*

I had an awesomely great weekend! One of my dearest friends, sister-from-another-mother, had her traditional wedding! It was oh-so-lovely. Her guy is also a family friend, so I had 2 families to support. Cakes and I drove to Anambra state to support them AND deliver their cake, which I will share in my next post. Aaaaaaaaaaand, we also did our Pre-wedding/Engagement photo shoot!!! I'll also share in a different post.

So let's get to the topic on my mind.

Source

You know how you're not supposed to have sex before you get married, right? And you can have sex on your wedding night (or afternoon, depending on how randy you both are), right? My question is this: WHICH WEDDING NIGHT?

Is it that you can start having sex after the TRADITIONAL, CIVIL/COURT or CHURCH wedding? Like what if you have your trad or civil wedding months or even a year before the church, can the couple start having sex? Or what if you never even have a church wedding?

I'd always been of the mind that if you haven't done the church wedding, then you're not married in the eyes of God. But like someone pointed out, in this day and age, the traditional ceremony's held in the name of Jesus with prayers and pastors attending... so it should count, right?

I'm confused. I really don't know which is the correct one.

Help me out. What do you think?

Thoughtfully yours,
Berry

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24 comments:

  1. Well, in my case after the trad my father in law told me to take my wife home, that as far as he was concerned, i had married his daughter. The white wedding in a couple of month's time was mere formality for him, an opportunity for us youngins to party with our friends. Lol.

    Needless to say... ahem.. I duly obliged him that day and same night.

    In my opinion, the bible does not specify white or trad, but simply that a man marries his wife. And this, by the tradition of the wedding in Cana where Jesus turned water to wine, is a public event between the two families and their God. So the traditional marriage is actually what it is, a marriage ceremony where two people declare their intention to the public to become man and wife, and they are blessed in the name of God by their families. Remember, the eldest in a family has a biblical function of being the priest of his household as well. Moreso if the prayers conducted during the said trad are not to some idols, but to God.. which practically all are these days.

    I personally feel both should be merged anyways, with the priest coming and praying on the rings and the couple at the trad event, that way killing both birds with one stone as well as saving everyone time and money. However today's chicks won't hear the last of it, as they must wear the white gown. Lol.

    In the end, do what you are comfortable with. I was comfortable with taking my wife home and knowing her. My family was comfortable, so was hers, so was she. My Reverend who wedded us knew she did not live with me until after the trad, and while we were attending marriage classes after the trad (and before the white) I did not hide this fact. None of the Reverends ever told me i was wrong either.

    Cheers

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  2. kiky(brides day out)August 12, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    Hmmmn interesting. I'm of the opinion that once you have done your trad or court, you are married. What is marriage? White wedding is a borrowed custom to be honest. As long as there is consent from parents and the couple takes steps to seal their union, its their choice whatever mode of ceremony they decide to seal the Union. The bible says its for this reason that a man shall leave his parents nd cleave to his wife. He didn't say wat type of weddin it was when he attended one in Cana. God is a respecter of law and custom. If u decide to wait till after your white wedding, that's a personal decision. However, anybody who has performed a trad or court is married before they eyes of God and man in my opinion.

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    1. Agreed. This is how I see it too

      Ibbz

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  3. I think it should be after the church wedding but if they don't have a church wedding, it should be after the last wedding event. My thoughts :-)

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  4. for me i think if you have a pastor in the traditional marriage then you are married in the sight of God. www.secretlilies.com

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  5. NIgerians recognize after the trad. If you have white and haven't even done trad, in most igbo cultures they won't even recognize it sef.

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    1. I KNOWWWWWWWWWWW! I have some in-laws whose daughter was about to get married, and their village people said since her parents never had a traditional wedding, they had to get it done first before the girl. :p

      I think our church won't even marry you if you haven't done the traditional wedding. I think... not too sure.

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  6. Sex after marriage is a biblical law, its from God. So I believe that until you are married as a Christian in front of God and your bible believing pastor, sex is not an option for you. The courts are not based on the laws of God, they are man made and besides it doesnt prohibit sex before marriage. Then tradtional marriage is based of native laws and customs, which again has no bible truth to it, the pastor praying for you at the traditional wedding deosnt change the fact that God was not the center of that event. The pastor didn't marry you, the families exchanged rites and gifts according to custom.

    If traditonal marriage was THE marriage how come its not accepted by state law? Courts will not uphold your marriage unless it's done and signed at the courthouse or in church abi?

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    1. Okay, so what if you're married in court - since it's accepted by state law...

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Don't want to be the odd one here but, do we truly wait for any of the customary joining processes before hitting it at all? How do you agree to marry a man not knowing whether he can run, crawl or jump? Eniwealth.

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  9. I agree with after the church wedding, unless you do not do a church wedding in which case, the trad suffices. I know many people recognise you as married once you have your traditional wedding but my faith is super important so I personally intend to chill until a pastor has officiated.

    Of course this is simpler for those who do trad the day before the church wedding but nevertheless.

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  10. Kai! Dis post is saying my mind o.I asked my girlfriend one day o,she couldn't give me an answer.me just conclude say I will do both weddings d same weekend by God's grace,cuz after holdin on like dat,we wee pounce on each oda after marriage o,and trad will mk us feel married but wat if we r not in God's sight? Na be sin b dat o and seeing as we waited till then,y sin at d end? Soo,d same weekend does it.hehee

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  11. In my own opinion, the real wedding is the one you do in the eyes of the law, which is the legally recognised one. If you like, do church, do trad, whatever. If you don't do court, you are on a long thing.

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    1. Some churches like Catholic and Anglican ones are licensed to legally perform weddings and hence give out the same certificates you would get at a court wedding the ones not legally licensed to perform legal wedding ceremonies just perform a blessing and issue a certificate from their church which is just an acknowledgement and not recognized by law.

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  12. if I go by some of the responses then it means my parents aren't married because they never did a church wedding and have been together for 29 years.

    To me, the traditional marriage is THE MARRIAGE in our culture but with civilisation, I would recognise both traditional and court weddings. Traditional marriages are an agreement of both families and no church would marry anyone without that but a court can (in the presence of witnesses). I have seen a lot of couples who just do the traditional and court weddings before getting 'church blessings' because they did not have the budget for another elaborate ceremony ...Anyway, I digress

    But on the topic at hand, sex after marriage for me is sex after both the 'traditional and court marriages' but the couple should agree on what they want if they are having all 3 ceremonies.

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  13. if I go by some of the responses then it means my parents aren't married because they never did a church wedding and have been together for 29 years.

    To me, the traditional marriage is THE MARRIAGE in our culture but with civilisation, I would recognise both traditional and court weddings. Traditional marriages are an agreement of both families and no church would marry anyone without that but a court can (in the presence of witnesses). I have seen a lot of couples who just do the traditional and court weddings before getting 'church blessings' because they did not have the budget for another elaborate ceremony ...Anyway, I digress

    But on the topic at hand, sex after marriage for me is sex after both the 'traditional and court marriages' but the couple should agree on what they want if they are having all 3 ceremonies.

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  14. Me thinks once you pay the dowry you are ok.
    My pastor at mfm,dr Dk olukoya says once you are married you are married.whether traditional or muslim or church.u can't as a christian for instance marry a woman previously married to a muslim on the grounds that it wasn't a christian marriage.
    U get my point.Olukoya therefore frowns at not paying dowry as its a biblical injunction.
    So my dear (black)Berry,lol,in dis situation after the traditional wedding you are married.if u need added assurance do a small court one so u are married by law.
    Note that traditional wedding is legally recognised oh.As long as it is done according to custom and tradition.No mind one of the posters above.

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  15. This issue has been deliberated upon amongst my friends and I. Funny enough we thought we were the only ones who saw this as an issue. @Anonymous 8:45am,I share your opinion. I am a virgin @ 28+ and won't want to spoil the wait with the confusion of whether to "do it" after trad or till after the white/church wedding. So having everything done in one weekend looks like the best solution/answer for ♍ƺ.

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  16. On the issue of whether you're after yje traditional marriage? The bible does not state any condition on tracitional or church wedding. All it refers to is the man fufilling the recognised conditions of marriage which the family and the community of the lady accepts as the standards of marriage. So, invariably you're married, the only thing is that you've to submit to constituted authority which is the doctrine of your church by having a church wedding. That is wait until after the church wedding before sex but if you can't that go ahead and live together there's no sin it. As a Pastor, I've studied the bible thoroughly on the issue and this was my finds. I had my traditional marriage, the lady's family openly annouced that I've fufilled all what it takes to be a husband to their daughter which means we are now married as husband and wife. The King of their town issued a certificate which he signed, my father in-law signed and my father singed. They ordered me to go with my wife which I did but we didn't live to gether until after our church wedding just to fufil the doctrine of the church which respecting and honouring constituted authority.

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  17. On the issue of whether you're after yje traditional marriage? The bible does not state any condition on tracitional or church wedding. All it refers to is the man fufilling the recognised conditions of marriage which the family and the community of the lady accepts as the standards of marriage. So, invariably you're married, the only thing is that you've to submit to constituted authority which is the doctrine of your church by having a church wedding. That is wait until after the church wedding before sex but if you can't that go ahead and live together there's no sin it. As a Pastor, I've studied the bible thoroughly on the issue and this was my finds. I had my traditional marriage, the lady's family openly annouced that I've fufilled all what it takes to be a husband to their daughter which means we are now married as husband and wife. The King of their town issued a certificate which he signed, my father in-law signed and my father singed. They ordered me to go with my wife which I did but we didn't live to gether until after our church wedding just to fufil the doctrine of the church which respecting and honouring constituted authority.

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  18. Hmmm...just got on this post as I was looking for solution to my worries. Got married last week by tradition and the world has greeted me since then asking "... aw is ya hubby?"

    What we term church wedding is someone else's traditional wedding. The rate at which we have embraced "their tradition" is alarming. Before the eyes of God I believe that it is how we live our lifes that really matters to him. Again, what stops the priest or pastor from attending the traditional ceremony and performing the rites required. It is a huge ceremony for us the south-easterners to perform the traditional rites which are pretty expensive these days...then to prepare to throw one huge again for da white wedding..chai! How soon would the young man recoup his investment? I think our elders have a lot to do in this matter...maybe as part of the marriage list add that a religious man must be present. Abi?

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