May 22, 2013

On Marrying for Love or Time?

Dear friends,

I was perusing the new posts on my blog lists, via Bloglovin' and came upon a review of Chimamandah Adichie's 'AMERICANAH.' BTW, I have to put it on my list of books to read ASAP! I'm way behind on my reading.

Anyways, in the review, Ms. Taynement posted a couple of lines from the book, that stood out to her. One of them stood out to me...

"Many of us didn’t marry the woman we truly loved, 
we married the woman who was around when we were ready to marry" 


This is deep to me. Deep and sad. Deep and sad, but true. I've said many times that marriage for a lot of men, is a function of time. While it matters who they get married to (after all, there has to be some compatibility or attraction, however minuscule), TIME is a big factor. I've heard too many stories of guys who were in long-term or deeply passionate relationships, that eventually fell flat, simply because the men weren't ready to get married. And then 6 months later, wedding bells a-ringing!

A friend of mine is getting married next month. But it's not to the woman he really wants. Okay, the woman he wants isn't available anyways. But he said it was just time for him to get married, and since his intended was available and ready, he went ahead and proposed. He had the ring already. If the woman he wants was available, he would have given her the ring instead. You can see a twinge of sadness in his eyes. But I can't blame him for going through with the wedding, since the one he wants isn't available to him. :(

I think the same thing happens with women, but on a much smaller scale. I feel like any woman who married because it was time, would have an underlying sadness throughout her life. Men are better equipped to handle stuff like this.

What do you think? Do you agree that a lot of people give up TRUE LOVE, because the TIMING is wrong?

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  1. Hmm... this is an interesting one...
    I guess it goes back to what is the definition of love... are we talking about that intense feeling? well then yeah often times we don't end up with the one we have the intense feeling for, because perhaps the other one is just a better match for us - and you can define "better" as someone that is available, who is interested in being with us etc.

    And once you make the decision, I think you give up on the right to be sad/depressed about it, make the one you chose "the one" for you. Put as much effort as you would put in the relationship if it was the other one, and act as if they are the most amazing thing to have ever happened to you, and before you know it, you will see that you "love" this person in a richer more beautiful way than you ever "loved" the other...

    But this kind of love only happens by choice...

    Thanks for sharing this post :-)

    1. Awww, I really like your response. You're such an optimist.

    2. Awww... I try... Thank you :-)

    3. My mum responded on Facebook and said your response must have been Holy Spirit-inspired! :p

    4. Aww... your mum is so sweet. Tell her thank you, I appreciate it :-)

  2. I do think a lot of people are just marrying because "time has reached". It saddens me because I know if we weren't so worried about family and social pressures, we would take more time to find people that we are fully compatible with that we can have loving, inspirational, and fulfilling marriages with.

  3. Such a sad way to tie our lives down. But whatever choices we make, we must be ready to live with the consequences in future.

  4. You know, I was actually expecting you to say WOMEN marry because of time. Especially African/Asian women. I know that once Naija girls get their first degree or maybe Masters it goes from "you don't have time for men" to "when are we eating rice". Lol

    That being said Osayi's answer was a great one, and one that many more should subscribe to.

  5. @ Ada: Very true. There's no sense in rushing to be married, and ending up with people we're not compatible with.

    @ ilola: Yup. I read somewhere that once you marry someone, he/she becomes THE ONE.

    Lady ID: In that respect, yes. There are more than enough African parents counting down to the wedding when a girl starts college :p


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