June 29, 2020

Is this My Life?

Nobody gets married thinking that they'll get divorced. Well, MOST people, cos let's face it there are arrangee marriages out there and just mean people too. But if anyone had told me that I would be facing the end of a marriage, I would have laughed at them. Like how? I purposely refused to have a boyfriend for 6 years before I met my soon-to-be ex-husband because I didn't want to keep dating. I had promised myself that when I had a boyfriend again, he would be the person I would end up marrying and divorce was certainly not an option for me. But life happens. 

I'm not sure if you guys noticed when this blog's slogan changed from "The Sweet Life|Style of Berry Dakara" to "Real Life Happens." I think by that point, everything had started unraveling. But I still hoped. I still prayed. I still fasted.

When everyone congratulated me for snapping back after having Coco, what they didn't know was that I had stopped eating. I fasted for months, begging and pleading and crying to God to please just fix things. I wailed. I threatened. I did things that I would never have thought myself capable of doing. I made poor decisions. I did things that no "good" Christian should do. 

It has been a hard 3 years. Actually I should say 4 years although "he" might say it was the entire marriage (at least that's what I've heard has been said about me). You don't think that you could ever hate someone you once loved and vice versa. You don't think that you would ever be in the circumstance of having to raise a child separately... a child that you both prayed TOGETHER for. 

I lost myself. After Coco was born up until 2019 was a blur. I lost weight. I gained weight (that I'm now struggling to lose again, UGH!). I don't know how many months I spent crying daily. Imagine having a newborn and spiraling into depression over your failing marriage. Imagine having to send a message to Bella Naija to please remove the features of your engagement and wedding. Imagine having to little by little, inform your family and friends that your marriage is over. Sometimes I  think people must be laughing at me... People are probably saying "is it not her that wanted a beach wedding?" People whispering about you... based on their own assumptions or false/incomplete information that has been spread about you.

I once thought about getting into my car with the garage door closed and turning the car on. A few times I wished a truck would run into me so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. It's been more than exhausting for the past 3 years. I have been strained mentally (thank God for therapy and my friend who paid for 6 months worth), financially (thank God for family, friends, Clever Girl Finance and God himself for provision), emotionally (again Thank God for therapy, friends and family), physically (I need to take better care of myself), etc.

I had a crisis of faith. Yes, I stopped believing that God answers prayers, which is ironic because my name literally means God answers prayers. I felt abandoned. I felt forgotten. I felt unforgiven. I felt discarded. I still struggle now spiritually if I'm being perfectly honest. Sometimes I ask what's the point of praying for one thing or another when the one thing I begged for for 2.5 years wasn't granted. I'm still struggling.

Life happens.

To everyone who has been there for me, and for my most beautiful child, thank you. To God, I know you're out there and I want to come back and feel loved again. To the dreams I had with my daughter's father, I'm letting go now. 

I will be fine. My daughter will be fine. I'm already on the road to recovery. I thank God in advance for my complete restoration (first my faith and relationship with Him before anything else please).

Thank you to everyone who has followed me for years. If you're disappointed, I understand. But LIFE HAPPENS. 

God bless.

P.S. I fully and firmly believe it takes two people when a marriage or relationship or even a friendship breaks down. Nobody's perfect and people make mistakes... some people can forgive easier than others and others reserve the right to either not forgive, or to forgive but not continue with the relationship. 

P.P.S. There's typically more than one side to every story. 

P.P.P.S Some people may read this post and say that I'm inferring to be the/a victim in the ending of our marriage. I fully contributed to the end... however, that does not mean I didn't (or still don't) feel pain. Divorce sucks! It is the most painful thing anyone can experience, and to do it with a newborn is worse. I would not wish the kind of pain I went through on anyone... you included if you're reading this (you know who you are). I would say that it has been an equally painful process for my daughter's father but I do not speak for him. 

26 comments:

  1. Sending you all the love, dear Berry. ❤️❤️

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  2. I remember praying silently for you when you were TTC, and God showed up, God pls use this to turn this around as a testimony.

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  3. You and such a strong woman Anita! This time of your life will soon pass and you will come out stronger! Keep staying prayed up, keep putting you and Coco first, keep taking care of yourself because you deserve all the happiness in the world! Some day in the near future, you will find love again, and this time it’ll stand the rest of time.

    Focus on your healing and continue to be the great mum that you are to Coco. Try to ignore the gossipers, I know it’s not easy to do but try to block them out.

    At the end of the day, God’s plan for you is of good and not of evil. He will come through in a major way for you!

    I am super proud of you and I know the best is yet to come!

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  4. My darling! I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this, and I commend you on the courage to finally speak out. It's not an easy road that you're on, and this was never the plan, but you've got this. I have learned that whatever emotion one might be feeling at any time, it's allowed. You're allowed to be sad, angry, afraid, all of it. They're all valid. You're even allowed to be doubtful. You're only human. God's got you, even when it doesn't feel like it. And sometimes, an unanswered prayer is God's way of proving His love. You will never know what you're being protected from. Kisses!

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  5. Sending you love and hugs berry. I guess life happens but just know that you will be fine eventually, the pain will not last forever trust me

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  6. Disappointed ke? Sis you did a lot and you clearly wanted it to work out, but Life Happened! In agreement with you for a total restoration. God bless, provide for and keep you and Coco.

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  7. Sending love and light. I can't wait to host you and Coco in London. Never let any negative thoughts lead you to take drastic action like you considered with the garage. You are loved by so many, so one loss can be compensated. Bless you always. Your biggest fan & cheerleader ♥️♥️♥️

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  8. I pray the Lord heal your heart and flood it with His Peace.May He also restore Joy and gladness in your life and home.Please keep trusting God;He will see you through this trying time.
    You are strong!

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  9. My dear Berry,

    I read this post with a very heavy heart. Tbh, I don't know what to say, I don't know the right thing to say, but I know I will pray for you and I will ask God to comfort and reassure you.

    Please stay positive. You've used your social media platforms to spread happiness, hope and inspiration to a community of followers like myself. Happiness and peace will accompany you always.

    Best wishes,

    'Nedu

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  10. Girl, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm amazed at how you kept it together all these years to raise Coco pretty much all by yourself and still do your podcast and blog, with a fulltime job!

    Well done to you, and please don't let anyone make you feel less of yourself. You are an amazing and pretty awesome super woman! In a few years you'll understand why God took you down this path, just hang on and hold on to His word, this too shall pass. Like my mum always says - everyday is plus one.

    Sending you lots of hugs xxx

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  11. All will be well by God's grace.
    Hugs.

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  12. Big hugs Berry, you're an amazing woman for growing through all of this and keeping your head high. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and ignore the haters. In time, God's plan will be revealed and you'll see it was worth the wait, just hold on to His word. Keep on shinning and doing you!

    Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

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  13. Thank you for opening up to us on the blog. To be honest I did wonder why he was seldom mentioned of late. Im sorry that things ended up with a divorce, but at the end of it all God has seen you through. Some things we will not understand in this life, like unanswered prayers. I have come to accept that God knows best why, despite the pain of being disappointed. I pray that everyday you will continue to heal and get better and better, your joy overflows, you find more peace and happiness.
    So much love and a very heartfelt blessing from the Lord I wish upon you.

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  14. I felt something was odd all along but prayed all is well with you. One thing i always tell myself when life happens is that "all things work together for good". There's life so there's hope for a better tomorrow, stay positive always dear. i'll keep praying that you come out stronger and better. much love

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  15. My sweet Berry Dakara. Bold and beautiful inside out. In your pain you still find the strength to bring smile and hope to others, myself inclusive. You are a winner and will always win for all things will work together for your good. I love you berry.

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  16. You are beautiful in every way Berry. Am so proud of the woman you are; flaws and all. You are a great Momma to Coco. All I can say is its so hard now but it will get better. You are a phenomenal woman!!!!

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  17. The things that really matters at the end of the day are God's opinion of you, your wellbeing and raising a happy daughter. Don't worry yourself about people's opinion, it is your real friends and family that also matters

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  18. Hello sweet Berry,
    Remember this always you are loved. I have followed you from the very beginning and I know you are one very strong woman. Stay strong. You got this!!

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  19. Berry you’ll be fine. You’re God’s daughter and he will not let you go through the storm without a rainbow at the end. God’s got you. I know it may not feel like it at the moment but He does. I’ve followed your journey since your engagement feature on Bellanaija so I’ve been following your blog for a while and celebrated when you had Coco and I know you will have many more occasions to celebrate so sis, get your groove back and enjoy life. You’ll be alright xx

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  20. Hi lady :) I think everyone has said it all. I was just commenting this morning about how God is above it all. He allows the pain to happen in our lives, but sees the overarching picture - that joy that comes down the road- whether its 1 month, 1 year, 5 years away from our todays. In the meantime, it is good to know that God's not afraid of our frustration, our tears, our doubts. Just keep your heart open, to him and to hope for that promise of joy. You are so loved. :)

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  21. I just want you to know that I’ve been there and it DOES get better. The self-hate, thé guilt, the ANGER, the shame, the embarrassment, the back-talks from family/friends, the “I told you not to marry him” gang, the feeling of helplessness and despair. I listed all these cos you would feel all of these emotions and more! But guess what, you would be FINE!

    Doesn’t matter who was at fault, there’s always a sense of loss when a marriage ends. Hold on to God, he would heal you from within.

    You talk about being a Christian all the time, as a fellow christian you can also attend a deliverance session. Deliverance from pain, anger and any other negative emotion that affects your well-being that came from the divorce.

    Shalom!

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  22. I am so sorry Berry. Divorce is such a hard thing but you will be restored and be filled with joy. Sending hugs xxxxx

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  23. Dear Berry, Thank you for being open... and know that you brighten people's day with your honesty and authenticity. Keep holding on to your faith and it will all work out in the end even though this life isn't easy. Stay positive and I love how strong you have been through all of this.

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  24. I am so sorry to hear this. I have followed ur marriage from the Bellanaija post. I know this may not be what u want to hear but it is my prayer that the Lord resolves this matter and this divorce by Gods grace doesn't take place. I am sorry if I offend u. He has the heart of kings in his hands and he can turn it around. I pray for continued strength for you and Mr K. I pray that God raises Gaints to do the miraculous. I don't know u we have common friend and I love u with the love of Jesus.

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