December 10, 2017

Staying Alive

Hey there,

If you follow me on social media (Instagram to be more precise), then you most likely know that I've been quite down and out for the better part of the last three months or so. I have been grappling with different issues in my life, that have made me feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. In fact, Baby Cocoa is the main reason why I have pushed myself to get up everyday and do what's necessary. You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" Well, it's been pouring and almost overflowing.

My mind has been heavily weighed down with issues plaguing me, and I woke up one morning and deleted all my social media apps - except for Twitter (because I have few followers there, and I feel like I can hide a little bit). Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook - all deleted. I thought about deleting or deactivating my accounts too, but decided it might be a tad drastic. I then thought about not just quitting blogging, but also deleting the whole blog entirely! It has taken several chats with family, friends and readers/followers to convince me to banish such thoughts.

The truth is, in regards to blogging, I feel like I have lost my footing. Someone asked me this weekend why I started this blog, in the hopes that if I could remember the WHY, I would be able to recapture what I enjoyed about blogging. I remember starting my blogging journey because I wanted to share my life. Not because I thought my life was fantastic or awesome, but I just thought someone might enjoy some of what I shared. As issues started to bog me down, I didn't even want to live my life as it has been, much less share it. I started to feel like a failure (I guess I need to recall my words on Failure from early this year). Even after my series on Social Media Envy, I would look and compare myself and my social media stats to others' and felt even more dejected.

I lost my zeal and motivation to write anything. Even writing my tribute to my grandfather took me a good 3 or 4 weeks, and even then, it was a rushed one just to get it out of the way. I have had SERIOUS writers block. In fact, today is the first day I've opened Blogger and even visited my own page since September! I convinced myself along the way, that I had nothing more to share, nothing more to give. I lost my voice. I lost my words. I lost my essence. I lost my muchness (something I learned from this clip from Alice in Wonderland).

One would think that after having my beautiful Baby Cocoa, my life would be complete and near-perfect. But then other areas of my life began to crumble - still in a crumbled heap actually. At times, I frantically reached out to others asking for prayers to help me see beyond the overwhelming darkness I saw and felt around me. FYI, this is/was not Postpartum Depression. I had to ask others to pray because I couldn't do it myself. The few times I managed, it was a weak/desperate "God please just help me" prayer.

I don't really know where my head-space is right now. I don't feel so down in the dumps anymore, but at the same time, not much has changed in my situation and circumstances. I do know that I'm in a slightly better place today than a month or two ago. I realize that I have a host of partners and supporters who can and will lift me up in prayer when I can barely sit up. And I think I'm getting back to the knowledge that whatever happens, God is with me.

I haven't written this much in the longest time. I'm not even sure if I'll put up this post - and if I do, I'm not sure if I'll leave it up. I guess I just came to let you know that I'm still alive. Sorry for the intensity and heaviness of this post. *hides face*

Here's a picture of Baby Cocoa from yesterday's snow storm to cheer you up :D


  1. Totally understandable.... it will pass Berry. I pray you find strength and comfort in the lord's love.

  2. Aww Berry, I've been looking out for your post everyday. I'm glad you put up the post and hope Baby Cocoa's smile keeps you going. Thank God its Sunday, im saying a prayer for you right now and i hope it goes from my lips to God's ears. I guess the word in church was for you then. This too shall pass my darling. Just stick in there. Wont say much. Im sure we'll hear from you smiling soon by God"s grace. E-hugs

    1. Her smile warms me from the insides of my insides! When she looks at me, smiles, laughs, plays, talks, and does her general baby things, I forget about everything else.

      Thank you very much Eny.

  3. Hey Berry,

    Great to finally see you post! I’m not on other SM platforms so I follow you just on blogger and it seemed like you had dropped off the face of the earth since your baby arrived, I figured you were adjusting to life with a new baby, it can be tough I know.

    I hope that things balance out in your life soon. This phase will pass eventually, it cannot last forever. If anything rough times help us treasure and appreciate our happy times even more

    It’s great to hear that you have a support system around you and that you are not alone. Perhaps your husband should move permanently so you are together and have his support all the time

    Prayin’ For you

    1. Thanks a lot iHeart. I guess a part of it may have been trying to adjust to motherhood life as well. Losing my grandfather when Cocoa was just 2 months old meant my mum had to leave, and I didn't have the immediate maternal help I needed - and he died the same day I went back to work, so you can imagine the stress.

      Anyway, I'm thankful for your prayers for balance as I know I really need it.

      It may take time, but the plan is to have him move here as soon as possible. I really don't know how single mothers do it. They are the real MVPs!

      Thanks for your comment and prayers.

  4. Berry I am so happy you have written. Just remember life is so precious and with it comes hope. No matter how gloomy the night may seem the sun will come out bright and nice. And we your followers love you. It is well with your beautiful soul.

    1. Awww thank you very much Chinwe. I can't wait for the sun to shine again in my life.

  5. Hi there. Your post has really resonated with me. I have also gone through some "is my living in vain?" moments lately. Life has been traumatic to say the least. But I really would like to encourage you and tell you that whatever you are going through God loves you, and has not brought you this far to leave you - so you definitely shouldn't give up. It seems like you have a wonderful support system behind you, and that's a lot to be grateful for. Keep living, keep praying. By the way, God hear those "please help me" prayers!
    Good luck with everything

    1. Hey Madeline, I'm really sorry you've had a hard time as well. Truthfully it sucks, but yesterday I came across the bible verse that says when we go through deep waters, God is with us (Isaiah 43:2) - not IF we go through deep waters, but WHEN. So it's kinda inevitable that there will be low times, but at least God assures us that He's with us, right?

      I hope things pick up for you in a mighty way.

  6. Hi Berry,
    First off baby Cocoa is sooo cute !!! Making me want to have another baby!!!
    It gets better, hang in there. We all go through phases in life but don’t ever forget the Lord is your strength. You bring a lot of joy and happiness to other people s lives. I had a period (s) when things weren’t going fine for me, and part of the people closest to me where they ones trying to destroy me. Your blog was something that I looked forward to reading. Ps am still waiting to see your family ‘ thanksgiving spread!!

  7. Writing this post shows your stronger than you think.
    I love you Sis :)

  8. Trust me Berry, you are not alone. believe me, I can totally understand. Just keep swimming through and you will make it out even better. Baby Cocoa is a delight to look at. Stayed blessed dear

  9. I am not sure I have commented on any post before but this one moved me to tears because the Lord knows I know too well how you are feeling. Funny enough I posted on my blog today after a long while too and the posts are almost similar just that I didn't write about my own situation, before people start wondering 'what is wrong with this girl'

    It is a hard place to be especially when it feels like you should know better but somehow you are not just 'feeling it' I pray that even in this season of your life you;d find strength joy, peace and a reassurance that He is with you.

    For everything that seems to be going wrong right now, God will fix. He'd give beauty for your ashes. You are loved!

    P.S Your baby is beautiful!

  10. All things will come together for the good. It shall pass. Thank God for life and the gift of Cocoa. His Grace is sufficient for us all as we navigate our lives.

    Even I had to take time off my blog and I am wondering what to do with it.

  11. Hi Berry, I am truly going to pray for you. God truly restores what you think is lost. lots of love.

  12. In all things you are more than a conqueror for the greater on lives in you. Remember in God's word, challenges are called light afflictions. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 King James Version (KJV)

    17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

    These are the things that I do that have greatly helped me:-
    - I maintain an atmosphere of joy no matter the situation. Nehemiah 8:10
    - whenever negative thoughts or thoughts of the situation comes to my mind, I affirm God's word " In all things am more than a conqueror, I have overcome the world and all things"
    - I focus on the Lord and on His word, because He is greater than all things.
    - I speak in tongues often and I personalise God's word in my confessions.

    Bible verses that will help:-
    1 Peter 5:7
    1 John 4:4
    John 16:33
    James 1:2-3
    1 Corinthians 15:57

    Congratulaions!!!!! It's a greater you because the darker the night, the brighter you shine.

  13. I often visit your blog and I always look forward to your post, you inspire me. Stay strong, stand your ground on God's word because your victory is assured.

  14. but Berry, you are enough. You don't need to compare yourself to other people. you, yes YOU are enough. Your content is enough. Of the million blogs out there, yours has one of (if not the most) special place to me (and I'm sure a host of other people) because I find you relate-able. I find your most basic and not-like-all-the-other-blogs posts interesting. you are not the most frequent posting blogger, you are not the one with the most fascinating content, you are not in a new country every week, you don't have all the designer bags, you don't have all the makeup hacks, you don't have the funniest stories. But whatever you have is enough.
    I hope this dark cloud you're passing through, whatever it is, sails away soon, and the warmth of the sun's rays find you. It is well.
    PS: There's this cute photo you have on Instagram with baby cocoa in front of a garage. She's in red and white, while ur wearing a mustard top and jeans. I showed my mum the picture the other day (cos I've been gisting her about your testimony), and she thought baby cocoa is such a poser. I think so too :)

  15. Hi Berry, Thanks for sharing, the most important thing is recognizing where you are, that way you would have a start point where to get help from. It would get better, hold on to God and keep praying even if it the "God please help me " kind of prayer.
    I have had a couple of life moments recently too and I keep telling myself that His Grace is enough for me.
    We love you and whenever you are ready to get back to blogging we would be here for you

  16. Today again, I came to see if Berry had posted. If she hadn’t I was going to send her an email. I don’t even have her email, but I would have found it.
    I’m glad you posted this Berry. I’ve had the most difficult challenges in the past two years. It has seemed like while I’m having all these otherwise impossible triumphs, one thing, the same thing, the one that seems to hold it all together always threatens to rip apart. I’ve lived in some sort of hopelessness and fear that i would lose.
    But as I feel weak and weary and faint in all my humanness, God keeps saying His promises in my ears again and again.

    Berry, take this from a sister from the same (heavenly) father. God is everything you want Him to be; Everything. He won’t let the ground crumble beneath you. He won’t let the storms knock you out. He won’t let the fierce fire consume you.
    But He won’t just preserve you, he’ll refine you. You’ll come through a gazillion times better.

    It’s not the end until it ends well. And ALL things work together for your good. In the end, it will all be good, your good.

  17. Hello berry..pls always remember u are loved. .may God make everything beautiful again

  18. Berry, my love. Hmm, God knows how many times I would come to your blog and think about you and pray that God grants you peace through whatever is going on. This morning, I still said "I hope Berry is doing okay". We have the reassurance that regardless of what happens, the One who lives in us is greater than the one who lives in the world. Jesus has overcome the grand battle and He is with us through the storm.

    I love you and I know that very soon, God will bring you out of these tough times. Don't loose hope, don't loose faith. I have been in situations like you where I cannot pray at all, thank God for the Holy Spirit who speaks the words of our hearts directly to our Father. You are not alone my dear.

  19. Am usually a silent reader of your blog, ur daughter is so beautiful and a miracle, use it to push through life when times get down. l missed your post on blog. U have a beautiful spirit , keep pushing harder and things will make sense. Also, by the time ur baby is one year old, it does get very easy. Don't let anyone or anything get you down, pray always, go outside sometimes get fresh air from home, stay busy with baby, find a journal to write down or even start a small online business. Just anything to keep you going ....HOPE is yours 2018. Remain blessed!

  20. Hey Berry (this is from your number one fan and you know ittt)

    Life happens and then the devil happens...I am also going through this phase or I have and we are not letting the devil win this one...he has won the battle(of toying with our minds) but not the war... we are coming back bigger and better... I love you and you know it.. And cocoa is hot for can one human be this cute..Berry I am proud of the woman you've become and you inspire me...for this, I am coming back to blogging so we can pull each other prayer and on blogsville... I love youuuuuuuuuu

  21. I can identify with your post because this time last year I was in a very dark place. Just know that things do get better, and when you hit rock bottom there's only one way to go: upwards and

    onwards. Hang in there, Berry. It is well with you.

  22. Awww,thank God you are back here.I've personally looked out for your post(s) and missed you.All will be well dear.Tough times don't last but tough people so.God will never leave nor forsake you.It shall be well.Once there is life ,there is hope.

  23. Hugs, Berry. I can relate to what you are going through. I had my baby just about the same time as you after waiting for just about the same time as you. And life has not been perfect... i have had to say those "God help me" prayers. Indeed, this was a year I wanted to quit everything. But still here on God's mercy and love. And actually looking forward to better. It has got to be get better. That's the pattern I see in scripture and I pray the same for you. I pray that all the love you had at the beginning of blogging and all other things you do will return and stay. Hugs again, girl.

  24. Hi Berry, been looking forward to blog posts but figured you might have been adjusting to motherhood and all. I'm no sure what you might be going through, but just wanted to let you know to never give up. We all go through moments when we feel down but it helps to always remember that everyone's story and life is different. Living yours to the fullest and appreciating what works so far is all that is important.
    I was once told: "Look at all the cars on the highway during traffic, some will move faster than others, but at the end of the day, we'll all arrive at our destinations."

    I just want to let you know that your readers care about you. If you need a break, take such break but please remember that God loves you more than anything!Stay blessed.

  25. Congratulations on your baby! I'm sorry you are not feeling so great mentally. Thankfully it is not postpartum depression. Hopefully things start looking up for you.

  26. Berry dear..... One thing I know is that the devil always tries to steal, kill and destroy our JOY but just continuously affirm God's words and promises aloud to yourself,hubby and baby Cocoa, the devil must surely flee away.... Our source of joy baby Cocoa is here, so your joy is complete.... Just spare 2hrs daily to blog and reconnect with the world and friends out there so as to keep yourself sane.... It's overwhelming stones but you Berry Dakara can do all things u desire through Christ that strengthens you...u will be in my prayers always..


Reading your comments ALWAYS makes me smile. I hope you smile when I reply :)