Regret Getting Divorced?

 A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a friend about Coco. I shared how sometimes I felt a little bad that I wasn't able to provide a two-parent home for Coco. My friend followed up with this question: "Do you regret getting divorced?" It was a question that took me aback a little bit, but I appreciated the opportunity to think through my response.

I said I'd share it online because Hello, Oversharer here! Okay that's not why but I'm fine with sharing my thoughts and experiences and maybe one person out there might relate.

So here goes: Yes, I regret getting divorced.  But also, No, I don't regret getting divorced. My feelings around getting divorced has different layers, nuances and factors, so it's not entirely one way or the other.

WHY I REGRET GETTING DIVORCED
• Like I mentioned at the beginning of the post, sometimes I wish I could have given Coco a two-parent home. There is something to be said for having two STABLE, LOVING, KIND, RESPECTFUL parents sharing in the responsibilities of raising children. Coco has never had her father and I living together, and in a way, I'm thankful for that. But I remember the first time I took her out and noticed she was staring at another child who had both parents playing with him. In that moment, I ached for Coco and not having her mom and dad be with her on a daily basis.

• Clutch your pearls dears because my next reason is sex! Listen, people somehow think divorced women's desire for sex magically disappears. It DOES NOT! I'm just going to leave it there. Technically I can have sex, but as a Christian woman, I really shouldn't be in the absence of marriage, so... this is not to say that I am or am not. That's for me to know.

• Another reason why I'd say I regret getting divorced is that, honestly we could have worked things out. I truly think so, but you can't work out a relationship on your own. You need BOTH partners AT THE SAME time. It's not enough for one person to want to repair the relationship today, and the other person to want it 6 months from now when the first person has decided to move on. But I will say that I did all I could and waited as long as I could, until I couldn't anymore. Shikena.

WHY I DON'T REGRET GETTING DIVORCED
• On reflection sometimes I think we never should have gotten married in the first place. There were red flags on BOTH sides that should have given pause, review and maybe even sharing with elders to help decide whether to move forward. I know that I kept some things to myself, and retrospectively heard things that were kept from me, that might have taken me down a different trajectory. If I knew then what I know now, I doubt we would even have dated, much less gotten married.

• In the transition and move away from being married, there were things that happened that cemented the decision to divorce. Because of some the words said and actions taken, I don't regret getting divorced at all. I'd rather stay single than have to stay married in that kind of toxicity.

• In addition to the transition phase, there were things that happened in my marriage that should never have happened. To be honest, some things, I mentally blocked or didn't recognize as that bad at the time, but later on realized were NOT it, at all. Because of some of those things, I can say parts of our marriage were really not good at all.

I need to note that I'm speaking ONLY from my point of view. I also must note that I fully contributed to the end of my marriage, and I do regret the actions I took that played a part. My write-up is not to assign blame to my ex-husband or myself. It's just what it is. I cannot and will not speak on his behalf, so I can't say what his response would be if asked. I might hazard a guess based on a conversation we had a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, but again, that's for me to know 😝.

It is MOST important to note that having Coco is the absolute BEST thing in my life! So whether married or not, I am extremely blessed to have my most beautiful girl!

And that's all I have for you, folks! Have a pretty week.