June 29, 2020

Is this My Life?

Nobody gets married thinking that they'll get divorced. Well, MOST people, cos let's face it there are arrangee marriages out there and just mean people too. But if anyone had told me that I would be facing the end of a marriage, I would have laughed at them. Like how? I purposely refused to have a boyfriend for 6 years before I met my soon-to-be ex-husband because I didn't want to keep dating. I had promised myself that when I had a boyfriend again, he would be the person I would end up marrying and divorce was certainly not an option for me. But life happens. 

I'm not sure if you guys noticed when this blog's slogan changed from "The Sweet Life|Style of Berry Dakara" to "Real Life Happens." I think by that point, everything had started unraveling. But I still hoped. I still prayed. I still fasted.

When everyone congratulated me for snapping back after having Coco, what they didn't know was that I had stopped eating. I fasted for months, begging and pleading and crying to God to please just fix things. I wailed. I threatened. I did things that I would never have thought myself capable of doing. I made poor decisions. I did things that no "good" Christian should do. 

It has been a hard 3 years. Actually I should say 4 years although "he" might say it was the entire marriage (at least that's what I've heard has been said about me). You don't think that you could ever hate someone you once loved and vice versa. You don't think that you would ever be in the circumstance of having to raise a child separately... a child that you both prayed TOGETHER for. 

I lost myself. After Coco was born up until 2019 was a blur. I lost weight. I gained weight (that I'm now struggling to lose again, UGH!). I don't know how many months I spent crying daily. Imagine having a newborn and spiraling into depression over your failing marriage. Imagine having to send a message to Bella Naija to please remove the features of your engagement and wedding. Imagine having to little by little, inform your family and friends that your marriage is over. Sometimes I  think people must be laughing at me... People are probably saying "is it not her that wanted a beach wedding?" People whispering about you... based on their own assumptions or false/incomplete information that has been spread about you.

I once thought about getting into my car with the garage door closed and turning the car on. A few times I wished a truck would run into me so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. It's been more than exhausting for the past 3 years. I have been strained mentally (thank God for therapy and my friend who paid for 6 months worth), financially (thank God for family, friends, Clever Girl Finance and God himself for provision), emotionally (again Thank God for therapy, friends and family), physically (I need to take better care of myself), etc.

I had a crisis of faith. Yes, I stopped believing that God answers prayers, which is ironic because my name literally means God answers prayers. I felt abandoned. I felt forgotten. I felt unforgiven. I felt discarded. I still struggle now spiritually if I'm being perfectly honest. Sometimes I ask what's the point of praying for one thing or another when the one thing I begged for for 2.5 years wasn't granted. I'm still struggling.

Life happens.

To everyone who has been there for me, and for my most beautiful child, thank you. To God, I know you're out there and I want to come back and feel loved again. To the dreams I had with my daughter's father, I'm letting go now. 

I will be fine. My daughter will be fine. I'm already on the road to recovery. I thank God in advance for my complete restoration (first my faith and relationship with Him before anything else please).

Thank you to everyone who has followed me for years. If you're disappointed, I understand. But LIFE HAPPENS. 

God bless.

P.S. I fully and firmly believe it takes two people when a marriage or relationship or even a friendship breaks down. Nobody's perfect and people make mistakes... some people can forgive easier than others and others reserve the right to either not forgive, or to forgive but not continue with the relationship. 

P.P.S. There's typically more than one side to every story. 

P.P.P.S Some people may read this post and say that I'm inferring to be the/a victim in the ending of our marriage. I fully contributed to the end... however, that does not mean I didn't (or still don't) feel pain. Divorce sucks! It is the most painful thing anyone can experience, and to do it with a newborn is worse. I would not wish the kind of pain I went through on anyone... you included if you're reading this (you know who you are). I would say that it has been an equally painful process for my daughter's father but I do not speak for him. 

June 20, 2020

Mommy Oyoyo Podcast is ONE!

It's been one year since I decided to go from "I think I'm going to start a podcast" to recording and publishing my very first Mommy Oyoyo podcast episode. 

June 19, 2020

Happy 3rd Birthday to Coco!

Can you guys believe my baby girl is 3 whole years old today????? I have an entire THREENAGER on my hands!!! It feels like just yesterday, I was crying on Youtube about trying to conceive, then announcing my pregnancy here and to my family, and giving birth to her! I am super blessed to be her mother and I know without a shred of doubt that she was 100% created by God for me. I'm one happy mama and I ask that you say a prayer for Coco today. Woot woot!!!!!!

June 15, 2020

Live Chat with Mommy Oyoyo Podcast Host - Berry Dakara

It's been almost one year since I started the Mommy Oyoyo podcast. As a matter of fact, this coming Saturday (the day after Coco's birthday) is the exact date a year after starting. I plan to put up a post then, but before that, I wanted to highlight that last week Wednesday, I was interviewed about being a podcaster! Shawn Ventura, of Lights Camera Pro Podcast, put out a call for podcasters to interview in his new series, and I was honored to be part of his lineup!

The video is available on the Mommy Oyoyo Facebook page, website, and also on Youtube! Please watch as I share how I started the Mommy Oyoyo podcast, why I started it and different things I've learned in the past year. 


This week I'm looking forward to marking the one-year anniversary since I started the Mommy Oyoyo podcast (you can listen here) and Coco's 3rd birthday!!!

May 31, 2020

It was My Birthday

Hola!

This past Friday, May 29th was my 38th birthday. For the first time in years, I actually looked forward to my birthday. In 2018 and 2019 I actually turned my phone off on my birthday because I didn't want to have to deal with all the happy wishes and pretend that I was thrilled. I was grateful for the wishes, yes but I was not in a good place. I haven't really shared what the past few years have really been like for me - but those who pay attention know that things haven't been quite the same. I've been a bit subdued and not as happy-go-lucky as I used to be. Just last week I shared a photo from 5 years ago, where I was dancing at my cousin's wedding. One of my family friends asked me, "Do you think you were happier then?" I answered affirmatively because the major aspects of my life were going very well at the time. My friend mentioned how I used to dance in the rain, and twirl all the time, and that she misses the old me. And guess what? I do too.